I Am Forgiven

It's only 1:00 in the afternoon.  You are already at your wits end.  Is it nap time yet?  When will my husband get off work?  What's for dinner?  How can I maintain my sanity and be a good mom?  Am I a good mom?
These are some the questions you have probably asked yourself throughout the day.  And just like every mom out there, you wonder if you have what it takes to raise tiny human beings.  You wonder if you made the right choice.  You wonder if being a mom is what you are truly meant to be doing.  You wonder if your life would be simpler without the tantrums, food throwing and stinky diapers.  And then... you feel bad for wondering.
Every mom has their ups and downs with their kids and it fluctuates from day to day, week to week.  One day you might actually feel like you are on top of the world!  You think to yourself.  Hey!  I can do this!  And the next day you are rolled up in a ball on the bed asking yourself why you are so bad at this?  Why did you have to yell at your three year old for spilling her juice all over the floor when she didn't mean to?  Why do you feel so angry?  You must be a bad person right?
Wrong...

Motherhood is the most difficult and the most rewarding job anyone will ever do.  Why the contrast?  Because you can't have incredible joy without incredible hardship.  We live for opposition, it's how we define things around us.  But it doesn't change the fact that some days you might just hate yourself for not being perfect. 

No one is perfect... So why do we beat ourselves up?

I had a rough couple of days fairly recently.  Every day I seemed to be losing my temper and pushing my children away from me.  I felt as though I yelled more then I spoke, and my kids were basically in tears the whole day.  I was failing... worst mom ever.  I struggled in vain to tell my husband how I felt and why I felt that way.  I was a horrible person and I shouldn't feel this way about my kids.  I love them; I know that... but I wasn't showing it.
I wanted to do better!  I wanted to be better!  Each day I tried to begin anew, resolved to trying to be a little kinder, a little more understanding.  But then my daughter starts screaming because the other one took her toy away and I feel the anger, resentment and hopelessness well up inside me.  I want to scream back but instead I try to take a few deep breaths.  It works for a little bit.  But eventually I just blow up.  I feel like something is wrong with me.  Then I realize I am not alone.
It feels good just to hear her say it... I pray for patience and to remember who my kids are.  I try to remember that they are spirit children of a loving Heavenly Father.  I try to see them as he sees them.  Because some days are just hard.  Some days I yell more then I talk to them.
I nod vigorously in agreement.  Yes this is exactly how I feel!  I thought I was crazy.  But I am not alone!

I know I am trying to do better, I have done better, but I still feel like it's not enough.  Then it hits me.  I need to forgive myself!  I know that a loving Heavenly Father has forgiven me 10Xs over and will continue to forgive me an infinite amount of times!  So why do I hold on to this resentment and self deprecation towards myself?
I once listened to a face to face done by Elder Ballard of the quorum of the 12 apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He answered a series of questions presented by various young adults in the church.  One of the questions was: How do I know if I am forgiven?  I suddenly perked up.  This was a question I wanted the answer to very much!  I prepared myself to take notes on the step by step process.  But Elder Ballard simply quoted the following scripture:
"Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more."  (D&C 58:42)
It struck me how simple it was!  Of course the Lord will forgive willingly, and immediately, anyone who sincerely repents and wants to do better!  Well I knew that I wanted to do better.  The Lord had forgiven me, it was time to forgive myself.

I have every right to be happy!  It took some deep self reflection, sitting in church taking the Sacrament and thinking of how I needed to be, and could be better, to realize something very simple.  It was as if a voice whispered to my mind "You need to forgive yourself, I have."  An overwhelming feeling of peace filled my heart and I knew that I was enough.  I knew that I could go on, keep trying, and do a little better each day.  And even when days are long and hard, and I scream at my toddler for tipping over the garbage, making yet another mess, I can repent and resolve to do better tomorrow!  I am forgiven!